


So Alive

by HorseTechie



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining Keith (Voltron), Song fic, Surprise Kissing, mild s/m with martial arts, smart phone / internet withdrawal, talking about problems, written before season 2 came out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 09:15:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8661640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorseTechie/pseuds/HorseTechie
Summary: Lance was never going to live if he couldn't make peace with the past.  He's come to understand some things about missing earth, but more still arises to haunt him.  In his personal struggle to get over it, the last person he would think of becomes his best option.





	

So he did something really stupid. A real prizewinner for the most unbelievably dumb thing ever accomplished.  And then he had to suck it all up and pretend that being chained to a space tree in the middle of nowhere while having his lion heisted by some alien babe just did not happen. Because, yes, it was precisely that inconceivable! If Blue was ever trying to tell him that what he was doing was a bad idea, Lance sure did not pay attention the signals. Fortunately for him, the rest of the paladins also fell just as royally for the rebels’ trickery, so they did not come down hard on him about the mess he had found himself in. Except for Hunk, their jolly, blessed engineer, who kept reminding everyone just how much he didn’t feel right about anything from the get-go, and it wasn’t because he wanted them to hurry up and get back to Balmera.

Lance struggled again to push aside this evocative memory that resurfaced after something had awakened him from his slumber. The whole thing had happened almost twenty-four earth hours and a couple Galra battles ago, so why was he guilting over it now?

Maybe nearly getting sucked out into space by a haunted castle-ship also left that kind of effect on his psyche.  Just when he thought that not ever having the chance to let his family know what had happened to him was wrenching, those two incidents presented a whole new level of terror.  Dying a slow and agonizing death, all alone in outer space, was not the way he wanted to go. He, out of all the other paladins, seemed to be having the worse of luck at that.

All of it was proof that this danger was suddenly very real. Even though he had been warned about it a number of times in his emergency protocol training at the Garrison, being stranded sounded like a slim chance of ever happening. In fact, he believed that something that lame was never going to be something he would have to experience. Because if he had to go, it was all agreed by everyone that the best way was instant death in a beautifully large explosion. Going down in a blaze of glory, with a honorable mention, and all that jazz.

It only took a reality check of massive, exploding Galra proportions to force him to realize that he had absolutely no control over his life. What if he ended up dying from something stupid, and not from fighting bravely in an heroic battle? The last thing he wanted to admit to was becoming as much of a chicken-shit about this stuff, like Hunk.

He was the first one to get shell-shocked already, and just from trying to run from the blast to tell the others. Apparently, it was Shiro who did all the footwork afterwards. Lance really did not remember anything after seeing that imposter robot fly toward the crystal. No, he did remember being completely aware of one thing: sharp bolts of purple lightening lashing all around and someone’s— everyone’s screaming. So much screaming! That had to stop. As well as feeling like he had been hit with a transport truck, and left with the worse headache ever.

It became painfully clear that fighting for his life, their life, was all too real. No longer was this the child’s play of playing around with simulators and mocked drills. There were no ‘next times’ or ‘try harder’ chances. After joining this group as a Voltron paladin, it was becoming harder to hide his short-comings.  Shiro watched him like a hawk, ready to correct him at a moment’s notice. During a more kinder moment, the seasoned pilot explained that the corrections were just his wish for Lance to try harder and stay focused for everyone’s safety. Or in knowing how to trust his instincts, not his ego. That was the hardest part, learning how to listen and communicate with the others, and not just acting entirely on his own impulse.

He did ask the questions, however, and he always openly wondered more about things that didn’t feel right rather than just jumping right into doing what made sense to him. What really annoyed him more was how Keith also acted on impulse, but he hardly seemed to get into as much trouble.

That was the thing that really drove him crazy. Even though Keith had been one year ahead of him in the Garrison, Lance was one year older than him. At this point, he was sure to be as good as the fighter pilot who had been kicked out. Keith, however, still acted like he was better than Lance because he thought of himself as a natural born pilot with more smarts. Right.

The asshole.

The Blue paladin decided he had enough of his relentless internal dialogue, and reached under the edge of his pillow to restart the playlist on his cell phone. He still kept the phone hidden from the others (namely Shiro and Allura) despite the fact it was now merely a glorified iPod. A digital memory book of photos and videos. And the only way he could keep track of time as he knew it by earth’s standards. Lance also really missed having access to the internet. The fucking world wide interwebs! Because it was like something he always took for granted before, because it was always.. _there_. Like his family, his friends, his Garrison future, everything that had been there at the reach of his fingertips.

Not anymore.

It really sucked that there was no way at all to even contact earth and send some kind of message to their families. Lance already asked Hunk if that was a possibility. After getting over his own moment of wishful thinking, the big guy told him no. Regretfully. Whatever happened to ‘ET phone home’?

The teen repositioned his small white ear bud in one of his ears, then sighed. That first night was a luxury, literally. Being the well-prepared tech genius that Pidge was, he had asked him- her if there was a way to recharge the battery on his phone. Alteans didn’t exactly have USB ports or electrical outlets like back home. Pidge told him she had to take it for the night to work on a recharge platform for it, and to keep the panicking paladin calm, she gave him her headphones in exchange.

After Shiro somehow found out about the headphones (must have been the mice), the team leader forbade everyone from sleeping with them on, just so that they would be able to hear the castle alert at any moment’s notice. Yep, Mr. Space Dad literally checked on him for the next few nights to make sure he was following that order.

His music was a mix of everything. Mostly top hits from the radio, with some beats from Macklemore to Meghan Trainor to Bruno Mars. No thanks to his little sisters, he also had some jpop, classic hits from the 80’s, and some serenades in Spanish. Everything about it now had reminded him of his friends, his family.. just all kinds of soothing memories. Except this time, he began to wonder again if there really could be a way to send a transmission to earth. Pidge had been able to hear signals with her get-up she built back at the Garrison.

With a huff, Lance sat up and pushed aside the covers. Sleep was impossible at this point, so he might as well get up and go for a walk. He didn’t bother changing out of his blue pajamas, as this shouldn’t take that long. After pulling his shoes back on, he grabbed his cell phone, his jacket, and headed our to look for Pidge. It was only three hours into their sleep cycle, so the chance of that nerd still being up was likely.

Or not. He didn’t see her in her work area, Green was back in her ‘den’, and the dining area was dark. Even Hunk wasn’t up for a late snack there. If no one happened to be up, Lance decided his question might as well wait for later. Sleep still was the last thing on his mind, however, so he settled on walking over to the vacant control deck to stare out into space.

Lance had to remind himself again that everything out there was a broad, star-filled expanse of not-ever-ending outer spaceness. That never failed to make his mind reel, trying to imagine that space had no end. The Alteans had charted regions to orient themselves, but hardly a full understanding of just how far it went either. How many lifetimes would it take for people to explore ALL of it? How many other civilizations were even out there?

It made him feel so small.

Lance sat down, putting his ear buds back in to try to think about something else. He pulled up his knees to fold his arms on top of them, and then rested his chin on his arms.

For the next couple of songs, he was able to quiet his thoughts and just listen. Lance closed his eyes finally, motionless and captivated by the rhythm.

So when someone suddenly yanked on the wires, popping the buds from his ears, the lanky teen was jerked back to reality. He sat upright in complete shock.

“Hey, I asked ‘What are you _doing_ up here?’” Keith was now crouched in front of him, dropping the ear buds on the floor.

“For the luva... just give me a firkin _heart_ attack!” he just blurted out in response. Despite the fright, Lance felt a hundred times more relieved to see that it was just Keith there, in his skinny black jeans, t-shirt, and red and white leather jacket. Does he always sleep in his street clothes?

“You were the one ignoring me,” the mullet boy plunked down next to him, with legs crossed. The fact that Keith wanted to stay there made him wonder why. But Lance didn’t really want to be the first to ask, though.

“Not ignoring, just _meditating_ ,” Lance quickly reclaimed his dignity as he wound the ear bud wires around his hand before pocketing it with his phone. This particular paladin had that way of firing up Lance’s temper.

Keith muttered something, clearly not believing his reasoning. “What are you listening to?”

“Oh, so the Keithster _does_ listen to music?”

The Red paladin just gave him his trademarked Glare of Doom, framed by his dark wisps of long hair.

“Good! Then you can join my cause to have music playing during our training runs!” Lance switched his tone to sound more witty, while he expressed his ideas more with his hands as he talked.

“Are you _trying_ to be like the Star Lord now?”

“Hold up… you also read comics?” Lance gave him a look that could only be described as wonderstruck. Then it dawned on him that he really didn’t know exactly what Keith did in his free time. He just remembered seeing a whole lot of books, maps, and tech in that desert cabin.

“No.”

“Yes,” because how else would Keith know about that character from the Guardians of the Galaxy.

“I don’t!”

“Then how?”

“…I only saw the movies,” now he was getting exasperated, with that telltale Exasperated Keith Look that somehow made Lance want to smile.

“Of course,” he grinned, feeling victorious in getting the otherwise aloof cadet to admit he wasn’t the boring square that he came off as. Someone as good looking as Keith had to have some kind of social life, before his short-lived Garrison existence went to hell in a breadbasket. “Now what we also need is a battle theme when we head out in the lions.. like AC/DC’s ‘Thunderstruck’.”

“Seriously?”

“Blue’s all for the idea.”

“Blue doesn’t argue about _anything_ …”

Keith was right about that. Blue didn’t even wince after Hunk puked all over her cockpit during their maiden voyage. (No wonder Coran asked Lance to help with maintenance afterwards, since the tireless Altean had to clean up all that.)  

“Unlike Red, who gets pissed off from you just _gripping_ the handles too tightly. What happens when you fart?”

Keith grumbled, rubbing his face in his hands.

Somehow, that thought left both of them sitting in silence, staring at the darkness of space before them, while Lance tried to think of something else to say. He still kept wondering why Keith was there with him. Was something actually bothering their fearless Red paladin too?

“Not able to sleep either?” Lance finally swallowed his pride to ask his comrade.

Keith sighed, his pensive eyes now locked on the floor as he sat with his elbows resting on the knees of his crossed-legs. “Light sleeper. Got used to hearing Shiro’s door open went he goes out. But this time, I heard humming. Shiro doesn’t hum.”

Lance just nodded, catching his drift.

“You okay?” Keith asked next, his dark eyes now making contact with Lance’s. It was hard to disguise that something wasn’t amiss with him too, since he was sitting out in the control deck, in his Altean pajamas and his jacket, just to listen to music on his cell phone.

Lance held the eye contact, uncomfortably, because he was genuinely caught off guard by that question. Since when did Keith start caring about that? The Blue paladin quickly straightened up, hoping his surprised reaction didn’t get too awkward.

“M’okay… just.. been wondering if there was a way to send a message to earth, so our families don’t have to worry. Since.. going back to visit isn’t an option.”

Keith held his gaze a moment longer before looking away. “That still wouldn’t be a good idea, because the Galra would intercept it.”

That was not the answer Lance wanted to hear. He sighed, leaning back on his hands and looked up at the ceiling for a moment. The disappointment was welling up inside again, threating to break over his wall. He swallowed it back down, because there was no way he was going to get all emotional about _that_ in front of Keith. Nope. Hunk, on the other hand, just knew him too well, and Coran, he was also easy to let his guard down with. That whimsical Altean reminded him so much of his nutty Uncle Albert. But Keith, he was the competition!

“Sorry,” Keith was barely audible. Whoa, wait. Was Mr. Smarty-Pants starting to realize how tactless some of his answers could be?

“S’kay,” Lance shook his head, sitting up a little more.

Regardless, Keith still noticed something was off about him. He quickly decided to change the topic anyway, while also turning the tables. There was another thing about Keith that was not very clear, since many of those personal details remained guarded during their mind linking sessions. “So… how do you know Shiro?”

“He’s.. my foster brother,” Keith looked down at his hands in his lap. “His family adopted me when I was eleven.”

Lance nodded. That made more sense about the young fighter pilot’s detached attitude when it came to discussions about ‘home’. Or why Keith was first to notice when Shiro was acting weird. “So before that, you were in a foster home?”

“I was living on the streets of LA,” Keith explained, his voice softer than usual. “Ran away from the foster home a long time ago.”

Then it made even more sense. Without Shiro at the Garrison to keep him in check, Keith just lost it there. He must have a history of losing his temper when the going got tough. Would they have to worry about Keith getting out of control with them too?

“How many brothers and sisters do you have?” Keith magically switched the subject back to Lance. Apparently, he did not like having the conversation centered around him either. It was no secret between the paladins, however, that Lance came from a big family. His dad was of Scottish-Irish descent (otherwise explaining his cocky attitude), and that his mom came from Cuba.

“Um, two younger sisters and an older brother and sister. I was stuck in the middle,” Lance’s arms grew tired of holding himself up, so he laid back on the floor and folded his hands on his chest. He didn’t elaborate beyond that with names or ages. He didn’t want to right now.

A few seconds passed, and Keith followed suit by laying on his back. He didn’t ask about anything more.

Whatever this was, it helped ease some of the anxiety he had about everything. The talking did help, he decided, even if it was almost random. And so Lance decided to pull the same question on Keith, just because.

“Are you okay?” Lance rose up on an elbow to look at Keith, just so he could see his reaction.

As expected, Keith held his silence a couple beats longer before responding. He didn’t look at Lance when he spoke this time. “Just worried about Shiro… I don’t know what all Zarkon did to him, but.. if he can freak out about having Sendak on the ship—”

“You sure it wasn’t the ship evacuating him?”

Keith lifted himself up on his elbow to counter that, a spark of anger more evident now. “It _wasn’t_ the ship, Shiro did it! I could tell from that look he had in his eyes.”

“Or the ship _made_ Shiro do it...” Lance dared to counter his claim.

“What I’m saying is that Shiro’s got problems he can’t really control…  and whenever I ask him about it, he just says he can’t remember. But I feel like it’s just because he doesn’t want us to worry,” his tone had become hushed again by the time he finished, as if worried someone could eavesdrop.

From the round-about approach Keith was using, Lance wondered if he was talking to him because of his own personal sibling experiences. Then if Shiro was that messed up, that left him with really no one else to talk to but him and Hunk. Maybe Pidge too, if he was careful. “So… you’re asking _me_ for advice?”

“No, not like… well, okay.. yeah,” Keith’s uneasy eyes sought to make brief contact with his own again.

Lance had to keep from smiling too much this time over the fact that the rebel was asking him for help. Keith’s gaze darkened, also warning him to knock it off.

 So he cleared his throat to sound more serious before answering. “Okay, so.. what I found works, is to just be there for them... even if you don’t know how to make it better. Then whenever he’s ready.. he’ll talk.”  

Keith made a face in thought before dropping to his back again, apparently thinking that over before saying anything. “…Thanks.”

The irony of this advice was that Lance was no longer physically there for his family anymore. His oldest sister was married at least, but his older brother was a couple years over him. And his little sisters, damn. They all were going to miss him so much. Lance pressed his lips together, doing his best to hold back another wave of feelings.

Guh, why does that keep happening?  It was like they died… or did he, actually? Like, in order to become a paladin, his old life would have to die. The thought was unsettling.

He really needed another distraction.

Still laying on his back, Lance looked over to Keith, who had the arm closest to him up behind his head and otherwise hiding part of his face. His eyes then trailed down his side, where his jacket and shirt crept up a little, revealing some skin above the waist line of his jeans. And the strap of his dagger belt. He wondered again why Keith always carried that with him, even here.

“Why do you have that Hobbit dagger?” In the few times he actually saw it out of the scabbard, that’s what it looked like.

“Hobbit dagger?! It’s a short sword, handmade from Damascus steel,” Keith had sat up all the way to correct him.

“That still makes it a Hobbit sword,”  Lance also rose up to meet his new challenge.

“No, it’s not! This blade is a different shape,” he actually pulled it out and held it out between them for Lance to see. The part of the blade closest to the hilt did have a more pointed attribute.

“Okay.. that is nice,” Lance sobered up evermore slightly, noticing even the unique swirling in the metal, as well as some engraved design up by the hilt end. He made a motion if he could take it from Keith, to get a better look, but the red paladin pulled it back out of reach. “How did you get it?” he asked anyway.

“Someone sent it to me, for my fifteenth birthday,” Keith spun it around with a flick of his wrist to tuck it away behind him. He had also crossed his legs again. “I don't know who... Shiro honestly claimed he didn't order it.”

Regardless, Keith had it for awhile now, since he was seventeen now, and that incidentally reminded him how kick-ass the fighter pilot was with his close combat skills. 

Once more, nostalgia just had to crash down all around him again. His mom always went out of her way for their birthdays as well. Even though one of his sisters was only thirteen, Serena was already thinking about what she wanted to do for her fifteenth birthday celebration. Even if his culture only celebrates the coming of age for the girls, they are so much fun to go to if the whole family was also invited. Except this time, he was going to miss being there for both of them.

“You miss them a lot… your family?” Keith looked sidelong over to Lance, obviously noticing another stetch of un-Lance-like silence.

The lanky teen tried to straighten up again, realizing how much he looked like he had been brooding.  “Um, yeah.”

“Must be hard,” Keith nodded.

Lance sighed, becoming more accepting to the fact that Keith actually wanted to help him too. He finally opened up to what was really weighing heavy on his heart. “What makes it worse is that no one really knows what happened to us. The Garrison probably made up some shit that we all fell off a cliff and died, or went AWOL.. or something,”

Keith nodded, not really having anything to add to that.

“Now we’re like legendary defenders of the universe, but how will they ever know..?  What if I.. _we_ get killed.. or get captured… and no one knows..?” he explained, straining his voice to keep from cracking with emotion.

“Hey...” Keith reached over to bring an arm around his shoulders. “We’re not going to let it happen that way, okay?”

Something about Keith’s comforting gesture made tears well up in Lance’s eyes even more, and he bit his lip hard to forcibly swallow the lump of emotions back down.

 _Not gonna cry… really not gonna cry._ All he could do was nod.

“This just means we have to kick Zarcon’s ass so we can go back to earth. Right?” his friend was leaning in closer to him, squeezing his shoulder.

Lance drew in a long breath, really trying hard to overcome his grief, but it was a losing battle. “Shut up.. just.. shut it,” he breathed, surrendering into Keith to hug him. Almost everything that Keith had been saying kept on triggering his thoughts that made him want to cry. Right now, he just wanted to take a moment to reclaim his dignity.

It took Keith one moment longer to figure out that he should wrap his other arm around Lance, but when he did he also began to stroke the nape of his hair.

“Don’t need to feel scared—” Keith whispered.

“I’m not _scared_ ,” Lance protested into his neck. That was a debate they never would settle.

“Then don’t be _afraid_ ,” Keith somehow thought rephrasing that would help.

“Didn’t I tell you to _shut_ up” Lance pulled away a little to firmly tell the mullet, to his face.

“You _can’t_ tell me what to do,” Keith refuted, his voice now a soft growl and his hands moved to grip Lances shoulders. Their faces were barely inches apart.

“You’re asking for it!” Lance curled his fingers into Keith’s jacket a little, as if to brace himself in case the Red paladin started to literally wrestle with him. They had both risen up on their knees now.

Except Keith abruptly moved in and kissed Lance smoothly on his mouth.

Lance’s eyes went wide, then he suddenly stood up away from the rebel. Talk about Keith’s crazy impulsive actions striking again! “What the _quiznak_ was _that_!?”

Keith looked really embarrassed as he rose up to his feet. His voice was raised and sounded strained when he spoke too. “I don’t know… maybe I wanted to make sure you didn’t _forget_.. this time?”

Lance’s heart was racing from that unexpected thrill. That, that had never happened to him before, by a girl or well, by anyone. It actually was kind of... “Y-you like me.. in that way?”

“You were the one checking me out!” he stepped back a couple feet, his hands held out in exasperation.

“I was..?” Then Lance realized the way he asked about the sword did sound kind of suspicious.

Keith just glowered at him a moment longer, before turning to leave back toward the hallway.

Lance was still a mess of ‘what the hell’ as he stood there on the control deck. Just when did _Keith_ have feelings for him? He still wasn’t sure what to think, other than ‘wow’. That must be the way fate worked, because Allura in no way shown any interest in any of his advances. Yet. Speaking of which, Lance also got that feeling he should head back to his quarters, just in case their yelling had alerted Allura or Coran. Explaining what had went down was something he didn’t want to do.

The paladin shook his head in an attempt to clear it and drew in a long breath to control his thoughts. _Perdóname padre porque he pecado… and now I’m going to die in space hell._ Lance gritted his teeth, then jogged into the hallway to catch up with Keith.

“Hey, wait up…” Lance called out, hoping he would listen. Keith didn’t stop right away, and only made the effort to glance over his shoulder. That just made Lance a little more determined to stop him.

“Look, uh,” Lance reached out to grab his friend by the shoulder. Keith paused, but did not turn to make eye contact. “Just.. don’t worry about it. It’s okay, really.”

“You sure?” Keith had crossed his arms as he turned to face him more, looking significantly more fatigued.

“I guess…” Lance rubbed the back of his neck, because he really wasn’t sure. He just knew he had been tempted in the worse way, and now there was that awakened curiosity that made him want to try  some more. “But, um… if you ever need to talk again.. my door’s open.”

“Yeah, same here,” Keith sounded a little more positive, but still looked like he didn’t know what to do with himself. So he turned back down the hall.

“And.. thanks,” Lance followed after him. Hopefully he understood the gratitude was in helping him keep his hopes up. Keith just glanced back momentarily before continuing on.

“Just don’t tell Hunk.”

“Why would I—“ Lance started saying a little too loudly, only to realize that and lowered his voice a few octaves as he sidled up alongside Keith. “Why would I tell him?”

“Just don’t.”

Did Keith really think of him to be the type who would kiss and tell? Maybe. Lance managed a smooth smile, and brought his arm up around Keith’s shoulders in a teasing way. “Well, you can’t tell me what to do either.”

“Shut your quiznak. And. Go To. Bed.” Keith growled at him angrily. So the mullet sounded like he didn't want to play anymore, but that wasn’t going to stop this persuasive one.

“Make. Me.” Yep, Lance still going to push his luck, just because he was that hopeless. Despite Keith’s verbal objections, he could see the yearning still there in the angry ones eyes.

Just like that, Keith seized Lance’s arm that was on his shoulder, and turned in step to wrest it behind his back. Holy Mother Mary, the pain was just beautiful! Keith had stepped in between his legs as if to threaten a foot sweep, but didn’t. He pressed in against Lance a little more, close enough to feel Keith’s hot breath on his neck. He was certain now he was going to die in space hell.

“Not out here,” Keith whispered. Lance’s heart was starting to pound, totally interpreting that as a positive answer to continue elsewhere.

Before he could respond, Shiro's voice froze his thoughts in their tracks **.** “ _Why_ are you two up and _fighting_ with each other at this hour?”

“Fuck…” Keith swore under his breath, also sounding just as shocked. He promptly let go of Lance and stepped back.

Fortunately for Lance, something very believable came to mind. And hopefully his burning flush of embarrassment wasn't that visible in the dim lighting of the hall. Um, we were coming back from a ‘midnight snack’, talking about stuff, and then Keith was so kind to show me some self-defense moves... y’know, just in case some slick space chic tries to take advantage of me again,” and he ended that with an ‘and that’s the truth!’ kind of smile, because that’s what made it ten times more believable.

“Yes. Yes, I was,” Keith backed him up, without a moment of hesitation.

Shiro just looked at them with his arms crossed, and also looking very much like he didn’t have the patience to deal with this. “Fine, just go back to bed before you wake up everyone else.”

“Right, exactly,” Lance agreed, backing up and turning toward the direction of where his quarters were. But not without shooting a knowing look to Keith one last time.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time for me to write something like this for Klance otp, and from Lance’s POV. I think more like Keith, but I still wanted to do this as a challenge. 
> 
> So the biggest inspiration for this fic came from Goo-Goo Dolls “So Alive”. Lots of ideas were based off the song, mostly from Lance's POV. Tumblr is also to blame for many ideas too (of which I had to alter so my story didn't copy other's ideas -- it's tough when so many minds think alike!) 
> 
> I am convinced Lance is also part Scottish and/or Irish due to his last name. This could also explain his temper. 
> 
> I really have no idea what type of sword Keith has. I just found something that looked close to it online, and went with that! (I do wonder if it has a backstory)
> 
> AN (after seeing season 2): ohhh.. the sword does have a huge backstory! *starry eyes*


End file.
